Attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby described attachment as "lasting psychological connectedness between human beings." He was interested in understanding the anxiety and stress that children experience when they are separated from their parents. He believed that these early bonds children form with their primary caregivers, particularly between the womb and 2 years old, can be seen to shape behaviour and have an impact for the rest of the child’s life.

Types of attachment

A child’s need for attachment is just them seeking comfort and security from their parents or caregivers. If, from an early age, the child’s needs have been met and they have always received the comfort and security they need, a secure attachment is made.

Children display certain behaviours when a secure attachment has been made, such as staying close to mum or dad, looking for their parents when they are afraid, nervous or in pain, or feeling distressed when they are away from their parents.

Children who have a secure attachment manage their emotions better, have greater self-esteem, the social skills to form healthy relationships and more developed emotional intelligence.

If for any reason, a child’s needs are not met when they are very young, this can result in an insecure attachment, which can have a detrimental impact on their social and emotional development. Children with an insecure attachment are more likely to find forming relationships difficult, manage their own emotions and they are more likely to develop behavioural problems.

There are a range of attachment styles established when you are young that have an impact on future choices and behaviours. Anxious attachment in children results in a preoccupied adult attachment where you are worried about the reliability of your partner. Children with avoidant attachment grow up dismissive and not needing interaction. If a disorganised attachment is established, it can result in avoidant and fearful adult behaviour.

But what about you as an adult?

Your style of attachment, formed when you were a child, affects your adult relationships, from who you choose as a partner to how your relationships pan out. By understanding your attachment pattern, you can begin to understand your strengths and weaknesses in a relationship.

When a secure attachment pattern has been established when you’re young, you are more confident and find it easier to interact with others and have your needs met. However, when an insecure attachment pattern has been established, you are more likely to choose someone who isn’t the right fit for you and unable to meet your needs.

For this reason, an understanding of attachment theory can help you break the cycle of relationship problems and prevent you from choosing someone who fits the blueprint set when you were young. As someone who would benefit from choosing a partner who offers the closeness they didn’t get when they were young, you are more likely to choose someone who is cold and distant as they fit the pattern that you are familiar with.

In many ways, we choose our partners based on the pattern that has been set in our childhood. If we grew up with an insecure attachment pattern, we may project or seek to duplicate similar patterns of relating as adults, even when these patterns hurt us and are not in our own self-interest.

Summary

An understanding of attachment theory can really help you recognise the pattern that was set when you were young and prevent you from continuing the cycle and making relationship choices based on that pattern. By recognising your blueprint, you can make more positive choices in your relationship behaviours and the partners you choose to fulfil your needs.

If you are struggling with attachment, please contact me for more information about psychotherapy in Surrey and online.